1. Funeral Plot

This is self-explanatory.  Who would buy somebody a funeral plot?  You’d be surprised.  Senior citizen couples do it more than you know, and I have yet to hear anybody praise this choice of present.  This is something you should discuss together, not during the holidays under the tree.

2. Crotch-less Underwear or Other Tasteless Lingerie

I have received crotch-less underwear.  I was more offended than flattered.  The gift, I must admit, cheapened the whole affair!

3. Barbie Wannabes

If you can’t swing for $7 for a Barbie, don’t bother.  Most girls will not like dolls posing as Barbie.  If you take offense to Barbie dolls, there are other named dolls like Bratz, which are very popular among little girls (and some boys), too.  But they cost more, too.

4. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas DVD and other Rotten Tomatoes

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is one of the worst movies ever made.  What’s surprising about it is Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Torro star in it.  How they managed to turn an already pathetic plotline into a tragic waste of time baffles the mind.  Just because the stars in the movie are A-list, that doesn’t mean the movie will be.  Also, for all you sensitive types, just because your friend is black, there’s no need to gift her Beauty Shop.  Just because your friend is Asian, there’s no need to give him a Charlie Chan DVD box set.  Stereotypical ethnic movies as a gift make you look like a bigot!

5. Sphinx Cat or other Useless and Ugly Pets

Why anybody would waste his money on this hideous creature is beyond me.  But people have and do.  A certain gifter gave his girlfriend a Sphinx cat.  She ended up taking the poor thing to a shelter.  From her mouth, it was not a pleasant experience, especially not on the eyes.   Would you believe people have gifted snakes, rats, and even a piranha!

6. Teeth-Whitening Kit

So you have a friend or spouse or relative who have really yellow teeth.  Well, everybody can’t be as beautiful as you.  But it is simply in poor taste to purchase a teeth-whitening kit for someone other than yourself.  It screams insult.  This is only the kind of gift you give yourself!

7. Perishables Like Smoked Salmon or Beef

Yes, folks, I have been the recipient of smoked salmon, and let me tell you, I was not amused.  It stank and I never even ate one piece of it.  What was my gifter thinking?  Maybe he was hungry while Christmas shopping.

8. Recycled Gifts

Giving a used gift is more of an insult than a kind gesture.  I have received used clothes, half-empty perfume, an old picture, and even used lingerie!  None of these so-called gifts ever made it to my closet or bathroom—only the trash.  So if you have something you want to recycle, take it to the Salvation Army!

9. Artwork

With such a variety of art to choose from, choosing the right art is very tricky.  What may appeal to you might not appeal to somebody else.  It’s best to leave the art selection up to the person who will be hanging it on his or her wall.  A quick solution:  buy a gift certificate to an art gallery—let the giftee do the picking.

10. Anything with the Price Still Attached

Miss Manners will tell you this is a huge faux pas!  Never never never give a gift (unless at a gifting suite with celebrities) with the price tag on it.  You might just want to show off how much you spent on your gift, but what it only proves is how much class you have . . . none.

The Non-Gift:  A Star or Planet Named After the Recipient

This gift is so lame it doesn’t deserve a number.  Sorry, but whoever thought this up should sell you some swampland in Louisiana!  It’s not an honor and it’s not a gift.  If you must buy a gift in somebody’s name, consider a donation to a charity, where your gift can actually do some good.  And by the way, don’t let it be the only gift you give.  That would be like getting no gift at all or like getting the classic “empty box” gift!