Tag: Insights

Insights – Walking, Forgiveness, and Letting Go

Insights

Walking, Forgiveness, and Letting Go

A while back I found myself without a car.   I still had to get where I needed to go, and I had two good legs, two good feet, and all of my toes in tact; so I thought, why not walk?   Why not ride my bike?   Not being used to riding a bike after all these years, I found bike riding a little of a challenge.   I had a cheap bike with a hard seat, and needless to say, I found walking a lot easier on my derriere.   So I chose walking as my means of transportation to work, to the store, to the park, and wherever else I wanted to go.

I expected to lose weight and tone up, and after about four weeks of walking, I did see a difference in the way I looked.   There were many benefits I didn’t expect and what follows is how through walking I found greater meaning in life and a greater determination to hold on in the face of adversity.

Walking was a sort of Zen meditation for me.   When my journey took more than five miles, I found myself focusing in on my breathing.   I found myself concentrating on each step.

According to the Ramblers www.ramblers.org, ” Walking has been shown to improve self esteem, relieve symptoms of depression and anxiety, and improve mood. Walking, particularly in pleasant surroundings, and with other people, offers many opportunities for relaxation and social contact.”

I have had my share of trials this year, having had to move away from my adult children.   I’m forty-four and they are in their late teens and early twenties.   For so long I advised them and guided them.   This year I finally had to realize that they have their own minds, and all I could do is love them and let them go.

It was tough to let go because I have been the matriarch and their guide and leader all these years. Unhappily, I discovered I was a little too comfortable in that role.

I became devastated when they directed their anger and frustration at me, when they blamed me for their shortcomings and their failures, when they did not acknowledge the good that I helped them achieve.   I suffered a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence because, after all, I had failed my children.   I became depressed, and to top it off, I lost my car.

The first day I had to walk I was happy that I was finally going to get that exercise that I needed.   I only needed to walk two miles that day, but I found myself walking three, and then four. I began to find peace with every step I took.   Having lost my joy, I discovered my smile.   The small things became huge, like the sunset at the end of the day or the sound of a wood crane in the late afternoon.

I have lost my smile

But don’t worry.

The dandelion has it.

– The Thich Nhat Hanh collection.

Thich Nhat Hanh was a Buddhist monk who practiced during the Vietnam War and against great odds promoted peace.   He stated in his collection:   “If you have lost your smile and yet are still capable of seeing that a dandelion is keeping it for you, the situation is not too bad.”   I found that to be true in the lovely signs that nature gave me during my many long journeys.

One thing I appreciate the most is the feeling of the sun on my skin as I walked for miles. At first I felt discomfort, but I began to love the heat and the humidity.   It became a part of my daily journeys.   The sun began to represent freedom to me.   I had the freedom to put one step in front of the other beneath a sun that would always present itself.

It is true that Peace is in every step and a minor task like walking can be a method to find that peace.   Now when I find myself beginning to stress over life’s minor annoyances, I remember and hold on to the strength I found in walking when I was without a car.

I learned to hold onto the feelings of peace as my object.   I learned to treasure the small moments of tranquility I found when my endorphins kicked in after traveling a few miles.   I learned to capture my newly obtained feelings of empowerment and hold on to them.   I in essence regained my self-esteem.

Traveling absently over the stone and pebbles that marked my path,

I heard the sound of the traffic as I found my way home.

In that noise I discovered the space where I had lost my joy.

Joy!   I have found it.

It was never out of reach.

– Lisa Trimarchi

E Kala Mai I Au (Forgive Me if I Have Harmed You in Any Way)

Christmas is a time of year when I remember all the things I’ve done wrong and all that has been done wrong to me. Certainly I’ve gotten angry, but often I’ve fallen into sadness over missed connections and missed opportunities. I’ve thought about friends but haven’t called them. The ones with whom I’ve had a falling out, I’ve been tempted on several occasions to pick up the phone, and like a child say, “I love you. I don’t even remember what happened yesterday.” I often think of my father in that way. What would change if we had reached out to our loved ones before they’d passed and said, “All is forgiven; please forgive me.” As it happens, I reached out to my dad, and he reached out to me before he died.

Over ten years ago, before my father died, we let each other know we loved each other and that we forgave each other for everything that separated us during my childhood. While growing up, I often experienced my father’s anger, and he would often see mine. We were of the perfect storm; add the fact that I would rebel at his attempt to control me, and the weather report would show a potential hurricane in sunny Cerritos, California, where I grew up. We were two air signs, he Aquarius and I Libra, doing verbal battle and kicking up clouds in every direction.

I realize now that my father struggled with his own demons, and I often ended up in his crosshairs. I struggled to understand what it was that made him so angry with me. I thought I needed to be silent and invisible, but what he was struggling with had little to do with me. I was simply a mirror reflecting his soul, and he saw in me his own image.

My mother would often tell me how so much alike we were. Maybe he’d seen it, too, and wasn’t so much angry with me but with himself. I never figured that out, but what I did discover was that in spite of all the noise, beneath the storm was a calm center of deep love. I will always cherish the conversations we had before his death that made me see my dad through loving eyes. When I said to him, “I’m sorry, please forgive me for how I’ve hurt you,” he replied, “Please forgive me, for how I’ve hurt you.”

There is a traditional practice in Hawaii called Ho’oponopono which means to put things right. Families would have a conference together and set their relationships right through prayer, discussion, confession, repentance, mutual restitution, and forgiveness. This ancient practice of Ho’oponopono has preceded Christianity in the Hawaiian culture and continues to be practical today. As families and communities both look for a means of resolving their problems, they consider the practice one of the soundest methods to restore and maintain good relationships inside and out of the family that any society has ever devised.

I discovered Ho’oponopono when I attended a meditation group conducted by Daryl Frazier (Hunaguy.com), a healer and motivational speaker who uses Hawaiian methods of healing in his practice. He teaches that we are all connected to everyone we know by aka chords and that these chords must be cut to restore inner and outer harmony. In the process of cutting these chords, we say, “Please forgive me if I have harmed you. I forgive you for any harm you have done to me.” I found the meditation to be very powerful and thought of my dad and others whose chords I needed to cut so I could get on to the work of forgiveness. Once past hurts are resolved in this way, greater peace and harmony can be achieved. Once this has been accomplished, we can now honestly say, “Aloha Ka Kou,” which means I greet all of us with my breath.

Hua Hui Ho (until we meet again) in that sunny plain on the other side of the horizon, Dad and all who’ve passed, “Aloha Ka Kou.”