Insights – One Thing at a Time

Insights

One Thing at a Time

I often take on too many things at once. I believe I am a master juggler when it comes to life, and I try to do it all. I work full time, go to school, take care of my kids. I even try to go on auditions. I just want to be happy, and I haven’t been able to give anything up because I want to do everything.

A couple of years ago I was dead set on learning German. I wanted to speak it fluently. I attempted to take courses until I realized that my brain could only handle one thing at a time and that one thing more would have been too much.

One thing at a time: that is something that I haven’t accepted. I don’t have to be like everyone else. I can do it all. I can learn it all. This has been a year of one defeat after another, and I realize that I have to slow down.

I’ve come home exhausted from working and too tired to study advanced physics of all things. I’ve been too tired to listen to the ones I love tell me about their day, their life, their dreams. And yes, I’m interested, but I’m too exhausted to give.

Now the question is, what should I give up? How do I let go? How can I keep what’s important and keep up this pace? I have to find something to let go.

I have had some really tough obstacles to face lately. My children are grown but are still dependent on me. I am not rich, but I want to do everything for them. I have been running all over the place trying to do everything and doing it badly.

The Taoist believes the only constant is change and even the most repetitive tasks vary if only within narrow limits. To contemplate and investigate the various sequences of change will engender tranquility that arises when loss, decay, and death are recognized as being no less essential to the whole than gain, growth, and life. Investigation permits one to see within certain limits that which will be inevitable.

Where can I find another me to do the other half of what I have no time to do?

Yesterday I ran to the Buddhist temple. I have been longing for a place of refuge where I could find peace. I have been driving myself so hard I’ve needed to take a break because this camel’s back has been about to break.

One last straw is all it took. My son asked me to go across town in one direction when I was headed in another direction. I had to make him find his own way and I wasn’t sure he could because he depends totally on me. At least that is what I thought.

Boy was I wrong! Everyone can find his/her own way without me. Everyone can decide to be independent of me. I can declare my independence and live in my freedom. Nathan found a friend to take him home.

During meditation at the Buddhist temple yesterday, I found my mind wandering a thousand different places. Then I had a moment of clarity when I heard the teacher say the human mind can only process one thing at a time. That caught my attention.

Americans are multi-taskers and jugglers. I am a master juggler, but lately I’ve been dropping the balls all over the ground. It has been very frustrating.

One thing at a time. That is all I can do. What a relief. That is all anyone can do. I don’t have to conquer the world, implement world peace, and solve advanced physics. I can just take it one step at a time. I can smell the roses, sip some tea, burn a candle, and breathe.

That’s how life is, a stepwise equation. We can only go where our feet will carry us, and they can only carry us one step at a time. I can give myself permission to take it slow. I can say no to some things. I can slow down and breathe.

I’m exhausted. At least now I can take a deep breath. I took several deep breaths while my mind was wandering through meditation. That was when I realized that I was taking one breath at a time.

When I was a child, I suffered with asthma. A clean unrestricted breath is as delicious to me as a glass of purified water to a man emerging from the desert. I lost my wandering and found myself enjoying the process of breathing. I felt my lungs expanding while I let the air in and out, in and out, in and out.

As I walked to my car, I was surprised at how good it felt to breathe in slowly and out slowly. As I take my breath, I will contemplate the wisdom of taking things one step at a time.

Simply Single – Men & Women: The Ambiguity of Actions and the Saving Grace of Straightforwardness

Simply Single

Men & Women: The Ambiguity of Actions and the Saving Grace of Straightforwardness

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It can happen during the most inopportune or most fitting of times, and it can strike anywhere. From buying lunch at a deli, browsing a supermarket isle, or busing it to work, to walking one’s dog, waiting at the doctor’s office, or working out at the gym, individuals evaluate one another. Depending on their single status or sometimes even lack thereof, gutsy guys and gals approach the apple of their eye, attempting to break the ice and achieve a friendly rapport with hopes it may lead to more. In addition to proactive pursuers, silent, shy, or secretive souls and conversation-starters who strike up small talk with anyone and everyone due to their outgoing, unassuming, friendly nature, coexist together. With most unable to read minds and figure out the romantic intent of most strangers, acquaintances, and even friends, many find it easier to let their wall down around those to whom they are not attracted or those of the sex to which they aren’t attracted, for it can often be easier to assume they are harmless and motiveless. Once unguarded, individuals feel more at ease with being themselves, comfortably chatting, contacting, cooking up plans, cracking jokes, and the like. Processing and perceiving interactions, situations, and events involving the sex(es) to which one is attracted individually and independently, one’s perceptions of what another is conveying influences and creates one’s sense of reality, which can lead to miscommunication. Considering individual complexities and perceptions, can one prevent another from misreading, misinterpreting, and mistaking platonic kindness and actions as something more? Are explanations and definitions needed to prevent such misunderstandings? Why can well spelled out actions and intentions still suffer some sort of ambiguity to which we are unaware?

From friendly, forward, or forthcoming to wary, wishy-washy, or withdrawn, individual psyches and personalities vary just as a candy store varies in a plethora of assortments. Despite the appearance or one’s opinion of any sugarcoated sweet, one often must taste or try a confection before coming to any real conclusion about it. Similarly, since appearances and assessments deceive in the dating world, one must interact with another to form a conclusion or an opinion about the person. Depending on one’s impression of another, he/she continues or cuts off communication with the person for various reasons. Working at the same firm, Alana and Josh quickly befriended one another. Outgoing and friendly, Alana felt comfortable talking about everything and anything, so long as the other person was just open-minded.

Warming quickly to Josh’s candid personality, they took regular smoke and lunch breaks together and shared serious, silly, and sordid stories on politics, life, and dating. Alana loved her rapport with Josh, relieved that they shared a perfect platonic relationship, unlike most men who often approached her with the intent towards or hopes for something more. She often though to herself, “This is great! Josh is a cool guy with whom I can talk and joke about anything. It’s nice to know there are guys out there who want to be a woman’s friend and nothing more.” About six months into their friendship, during a smoke break, Josh asked, “If you weren’t dating Mike, you’d date me, wouldn’t you?” Shocked and surprised by the unexpected question, Alana laughed. “No, I wouldn’t,” she chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief at the question. “You would, wouldn’t you? I think you would.” He earnestly offered. Hiding her discomfort, she smiled, calmly reiterating, “No, I wouldn’t, Josh. Seriously. Why?” From that moment on, their rapport changed from chummy companions to awkward acquaintances. Misinterpretation of their dynamics created two disparate views of Alana and Josh’s rapport. While Alana thought their friendship was completely platonic, Josh misconstrued the combination of her openness and their ritual breaks and lunches as a sign of potential interest. Alana wondered how Josh could have assumed there was more to their friendship. She had often openly talked about the man she dated, plainly pointed out Josh wasn’t her type, and consistently treated him like a buddy.

Dynamics between individuals, in which one or both could potentially be attracted, like any other type of relationship, can fall prey to subjective interpretation at all times. Frequently, communication between these individuals ends up much like a game of Telephone. Let’s say Marie meets Todd at a get together, and they immediately hit it off. As captivating conversations create an air of comfort around them, Marie feels Todd would make a fun friend and companion, since they seem to share much in common. In Todd’s mind, the chemistry confirms Marie’s budding interest for him. Both feel the other shares the same sentiment, and a “friendship” develops. Viewing his company as guaranteed good times, Marie calls to invite Todd to swanky soirees, cappuccinos at the coffeehouse, and movie matinees. To Todd, Marie’s increased invitations display her developing affections toward him. For instance, Marie would casually say, “Hey, what are you up to? Do you want to grab a cup of coffee?” Todd’s interpretation? Hi, Todd. I want to see you; do you want to grab a cup of coffee? With ever growing feelings, Todd began to obsess about Marie. As his feelings grew, he began obsessing about her, fabricating false illusions in his mind about the state of their “relationship.” Noticing a difference in his demeanor, Marie kept her distance to prevent any misunderstanding, causing Todd to become irritated by her change in behavior. Following a confrontation, during which Todd confessed his fervent feelings and Marie professed a purely platonic one, their “friendship” came to an end.

Comparable to the game of Telephone, messages transmitted from one to another lose some of their original meaning and become distorted by paraphrases. Add human nature into the equation, and the situation increases in complexity, for individuals subject words to various connotations, denotations, and interpretations; a recipient’s own interpretation or idea of the story or situation inevitably influences how a message is received and processed. At times failing to take things at face value, individuals attempt to read in between the lines in search for some sort of subtext, since all actions contain some level of intent. For instance, a good-natured woman smiling and chatting could be seen by another as a flirt. Similarly, a personable and honest man complimenting a young lady could be seen by the young lady as just a dirty pervert who wants to try to get into her pants. Moments, instances, conversations, and interactions can fall victim to individual interpretation; the perceived subtext affects the comprehension of any given incident, giving way to erroneous presumptions.

Perplexing and plentiful, individual personalities and psyches drive, direct, and dominate both sexes. Perhaps as a result of nature, nurture, or both, men and women often communicate, channel, and comprehend circumstances differently, though some prove not unlike each other in cognitive and behavioral processes. Throwing sex into the formula activates attachment in some and further complicates situations. With scads of character and ego variations to last us days to discover and discuss, let’s consider three types from both sexes to simplify things a bit. For the most part, a large majority of men operate as “hunters,” seeking out and having sex with women that range from acceptable to appealing. For such singles, friendliness and sociability come easily and often act as a means to an end; the energy exerted frequently serves to win over an individual with whom they want to hook up.

Comprised of those ranging from shy, sensitive, or self-conscious to skittish, solicitous, or schizo, wariness, fear, and/or baggage influence the second group of singles. Victims of past experiences, personal demons, or perceptions of oneself, this group of singles often branches out into two subgroups: the emotionally evasive and the emotionally addicted. For the emotionally evasive, the issues one endures lead one to build a wall protecting one’s emotions, using various forms of behavior, such as infidelity. On the other hand, often lacking luck or struggling a bit in the dating area, the emotionally addicted often fall susceptible to emotional commitment in most all types of relationships and interactions. Consequently, many experience premature attachment and/or different levels of obsession. From nice to neurotic, the emotionally addicted frequently fail to take rejection well and tend to turn a deaf ear to hints of disinterest, choosing instead to perpetually pursue the object of their affections. Finally, varying from charming or captivating to calculating or careful, some single men easily meet, attract, and date women, yet for reasons only they or their psyches can explain, like a bruised ego, the dynamics of a relationship shifts from one of detachment to one of attachment and/or obsession.

Just as there are a plethora of personality types for men, there exist plenty for women as well. Whether through nature or nurture, most women tend to nurture others in various ways, ranging from caring for others, chatting away, or conducting themselves nicely to consorting with others, considering another’s feelings, or creating a cozy atmosphere. Moreover, often raised in an environment that promotes verbal communication, many women possess a higher propensity towards sociability. As a result, when approached, most women fail to quickly ignore and reject conversation starters, politely engaging desirable and detesting conversations.

In addition to sympathetic socializers, there exist some women purely driven by sex. Similar to their male counterparts, these forward females usually suffer no emotional attachment. Scoping out and hooking up with men, they commonly disassociate sex with love, view sex as no big deal, fall short of getting attached through sex, and prove more apt to rejecting conversation starters that waste their time. Then, there remains a group which socializes to an extent, but contains a range of women, including the anti-social, shy, inexperienced, unlucky in dating, and insecure. Ordinarily lacking in wisdom attained from age, experience, or security, this group can mistake sex and kindness as more and can become attached quite easily, for attention, physical relationships, and the like provide validation they seek and need.

What happens when you throw the ample assortment of men and women into one pot? One gets room for mix-ups, misreads, and misjudgments leading to experiences of heartbreak, horror, or headache. Tall, slender, cute, and extremely personable, Erica garnered ample attention, yet nearly all relationships, mutual commitments and casual affairs ended shortly with former beaus headed for the hills. During each short-lived romance, Erica earnestly expressed belief that each suitor was “the one” and carried on as such. Suffering from insecurity issues––a home with an unloving father, and no desire to cultivate any intellect––her modus operandi consisted of flirting for attention, constant coddling, superficial conversations, over obsessing, and attempts at appealing as “perfect wife” material. In her mind, she believed the manner in which she was carrying on appealed to men and attracted those seeking a commitment. On the other hand, the objects of her affection often sought the momentary or decided she wasn’t serious material after a bit of dating, resulting in a clash of dialogue, spoken and unspoken. She lamented a beau’s complaint that they didn’t talk about much and his decision to “hang out” at her house for a mere hour or two before attending a get-together without her. I suggested she initiate and partake in conversations involving topics he’d find interesting, other than superficial, sans substance small talk. Afraid she would misunderstand my suggestion, I explained that engaging her beau in dialogue on topics relating to concerns exhibited her interest in his life and things pertaining to him. Furthermore, it would provide that extra “something” to keep him interested, for looks and the physical fade. Flustered, she snapped, “What do you mean? I don’t know what you mean by that.” Occupied with the outward and suffering vulnerabilities superficial, frivolous thoughts and concerns enveloped her world. Despite any well-meaning recommendations from friends, she mistook their advice as criticism and attacks on her character, stunting her from seeing the bigger picture and seeking self-growth. Instead, pleasing and immersing herself with the man in her life took precedence over all else; this in turn created fertile ground necessary in planting seeds of obsession and premature attachment.

For example, while dating Dave, Erica slept with him early on, believing that such intimacy confirmed his interest in wanting more than just the casual. Each act of kindness or moment of fun further underscored her belief that things were getting serious, and he was “the one.” To Dave, on the other hand, his actions meant nothing more than a manifestation of his feelings at that moment. Nice and fun loving, Dave treated almost everyone kindly and politely. Dating Erica proved no different; he treated her as he would anyone else, with the added detail that they slept together. In his eyes, it was what it was an nothing more, which conflicted with Erica’s notion that their relationship was headed towards seriousness. Due to her personality, past, and psyche, she couldn’t simply take things at face value, unnecessarily adding more worth to things only to set herself up for disappointment. As the relationship fizzled, Erica grew distraught and eventually heartbroken. Mistaking his actions as more, she blinded herself from seeing the true nature of the relationship, assumed he wanted more, and endured a painful letdown.

Breezing through the aisles at Ralphs, Allie maneuvered to make her shopping safari short. Spotting her in the produce section, Jake approached Allie, attempting to break the ice with his rendition of charm and wit. Possessing a pleasant, polite personality, Allie found it difficult to ignore strangers, sometimes even the scumbags. As he rambled on, she wanted badly to bolt, for she found him annoying, aggressive, and aesthetically unpleasing. Instead of doing so, she continued to listen, courteously conversing, with a strained smile. When Jake asked for her number, she quickly revealed she had a boyfriend; yet Jake remained relentless, attempting to hand his business card to her. In his mind, despite her non-single status, her receptiveness reinforced her potential interest in him. Trying hard not to publicly injure his ego, yet praying he would disappear, Allie graciously grabbed the business card he offered with hopes he would scurry away afterwards. He left on top of the world, assuming he held some chance with her. Cocky and confident, individuals like Jake cannot take subtle hints, for they truly think they are a desirable catch. In such instances, it proves prudent to muster up the nerve to say “NO,” since oddly enough, all else still stresses potential interest.

Faced with a multitude of multifarious individuals, one can prevent or reduce misunderstanding- based mishaps through clear, concise, candid communication. In the complex world of dating, speaking up serves to sever any semblance of attraction to or fascination with a person in whom you hold no interest. Seemingly difficult for some to be the bitchy, bad guy, the honesty can beget benefits, such as possibly establishing a clearer rapport, free from premature, unsubstantiated assumptions. Moreover, being blunt can help fend off the forward, frustrating types which one may unfortunately run into at random times and places. Consequently, curtly cutting off suitors that fail to tickle one’s fancy or that push to persuade one to feel differently can save one from distracting dilemmas and drama. Though some slightly insane types may appear hurt, they will surely recover from the setback sooner if the ties are cut earlier rather than later. So, before setting off, strap on your armor of straightforwardness. You may just find that it protects you from many preventable problems and perplexities.

Written by Patricia Lee

Single and Sassy

Talking Chic

Single and Sassy

This past Valentine’s Day I did something I, a single 20-something-year-old, had never done before––I went to a bar. Yes, it was in the middle of the week, and sure, getting up for work at eight is typicallythe plan, but I had just bought the cutest bronze-color shrug and I was ready to hit the dance floor. After borrowing my roommate’s vintage-style Union jeans, her black chandelier danglies to work with my black Trina Turk lace camisole––what can I say? It was on! I was feelin’ hot and figuring why stay home and get down about being date-less, when I can strut my stuff and enjoy my freedom. Needless to say, my friend (who was semi-single at the time) was in tune with my energy and felt the same way.

And it was definitely a night to remember.

Whether it was the Pussycat Dolls or Sean Paul pulling us to the dance floor, or running into other girlfriends who were also standing up for singlehood…the night was mine and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. But then the ridiculous questions started. Wannabe pick-up lines like, “You’re too cute not to have a boyfriend!” or “What are you doing out this way—you don’t look like a typical I.E. girl,” as he peered at my outfit that I had so delicately put together. And during this insulting-slash-desperate attempt to get my phone number… it hit me: Why is it assumed that a fashionable, attractive, and young professional (dare I say so myself) has to be “taken?” It brought me back to the whole idea of “being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely” type of affirmation I’ve read before in self-help books. I also realized that while some girlfriends dress sassy for their boyfriends, or wives keep their husbands’ favorites in mind when getting dressed, many people automatically assume that being single and looking fabulous is well, a waste, as if the idea of dressing for oneself doesn’t exist.

What I took away from that night is that it most definitely does count. Attracting a mate and looking hot in doing so is a wonderful feeling, and having someone to regularly deliver compliments and give kudos to your style is also an indescribable feeling. But loving yourself, especially on Cupid’s day, is also something to be cherished, because this adoration for thyself, my friends, can automatically manifest itself into looking good all the time. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” really does make sense to me these days. It has been almost a year that I’ve been without a serious beau. But I’m thinking a revised version of “Don’t hate me because I’m single, beautiful, and wearing hot jeans for no one BUT myself” is due.

Here’s the thing: I believe true style does not mean walking out the door in hopes of getting a catcall when getting into your car, nor about purchasing come-hither-me pieces (like for the cute guy in the office who just happens to stroll by your desk every morning). To me, a sense of fashion is more than that. It means dreaming in color, pretending you’re ransacking your mama’s closet when you were a kid and coming out with creative ensembles. And most importantly, enjoying fashion means owning a wardrobe that includes only those pieces that make you smile every time you imagine slipping them on.

Now I’m not saying that I don’t want cutie over there to ignore me as I walk by, but should he not check me out, well, all I can say is, “I’m single, I’m sassy, and see ya later!” ‘cause I have hot shoes on…na-na-na-na-na!

Written by Elana Pruitt

The Wolf Speaks

Insights

The Wolf Speaks

The wolf speaks.

I can hear the wolf whispering to me when I walk in the mountains. I must remember not to be afraid, for the wolf appears to me as the wind making its voice present by the sound it makes as it moves the leaves, the branches, and as it dances on my skin.

I’ve been taking a break from my worries and supporting my mental strength by hiking five miles at a stretch in the beautiful Claremont Mountains. I often see deer and their young feeding on the wild grasses that grow on the sides of the path I walk on.

When I first decided to hike alone, I was afraid ? too afraid to make the trek. I remember wandering up the mountain about half a mile before I turned around terrified. I read the warnings about the mountain lions and the bears and couldn’t bring myself to keep going on alone.

What would I do if I encountered a bear or a mountain lion? How would I survive a snake bite? Richard Pryor had a comedy skit about snakes in the woods. I take comfort in knowing that like him, “I’ve got rhythm.” When I see a snake I say, “Oh, snake,” and hop over him as I keep on struttin’ in the woods, or in my case, the mountains.

I’ve seen snakes, rattlers. They do not scare me, for I know that I am the intruder to their mountain home. But I also know that they won’t threaten me.

One day I got the idea to buy pepper spray to protect myself from animals. I purchased my pepper spray from a hardware store for $8.95 plus tax. The package read, “Works on wild animals, humans, and dogs. 30 minutes of painful stinging while you get away.”

“This,” I thought, “is what I need.”

I made it up to my mountain. A ranger was at the entrance to the path, and I asked him if he’d seen any mountain lions or bears lately. He said that a mountain lion hadn’t approached a human in about 12 years or so. And as for bears, they’re rarely seen on the path. I wondered if my pepper spray would work. He assured me I probably wouldn’t need it.

Since my encounter with the ranger, I’ve been hiking my mountain several days a week for about a month now. I’ve seen no mountain lion or bear, but I have seen tarantulas, deer, several species of birds, and rattlesnakes. I’ve heard the wind speak to me through the trees and felt the heat of the sun as I walked on the red earth during the day. I’ve heard the owl at night, seen bats fly at me and barely miss me as they fly off, and felt the cool night air. Once I’ve even seen a shooting star.

There is no wolf where I walk, but I’ve seen him in spirit, and he speaks to me. I feel the mountains are my church and my god. God’s the whisper I hear as I’ve passed the three-mile mark that tells me there is no worry that can survive this trek.

I’m even now starting to take my mountain with me in my dreams, and I could swear my dad walks with me when I pass certain landmarks. He passed on over ten years ago. He always shows up between the 3.5 and 4 mile mark where the mountain is pure rock, where I’ve seen a few tarantulas, and where the mountain sage grows.

I’ve gotten in touch with a few of my native spirits, including the black wolf, the white eagle and the bear. I’ve become strong, patient, and silent. I have found my path, and I have discovered God. I’ve even made a few friends along the way.

If you follow me up that mountain around dusk, I’ll let you listen to the sound of the wolf wind and feel the breath of God as its cool presence brushes your neck.

By Lisa Trimarchi

Should My Wardrobe Change with a New Living Space?

Should My Wardrobe Change with a New Living Space?

I don’t believe in jumping into new trends and styles based simply on the latest fashion featured on E! News, what your colleagues are wearing, or simply because you want to fit in with others at an event. However, I DO believe in the power of these factors. I am always influenced and inspired by what I see in magazines, on television, on fashion blogs, around town, at malls, and while visiting other cities. But I make it a point to acknowledge this very fact: What works for some people will not always work for me.

But this time, my biggest influence in re-wiring my wardrobe is moving from one home to another.

As my boyfriend Steve and I moved from a two-story condo in Rancho Cucamonga, California, to an Upland apartment-although only about 20 minutes away-I felt the need for a wardrobe update. Moving from an affluent area among senior citizens and lots of space to a complex where our friends live and music blares from people’s balconies while baby-daddy drama sometimes fills the air, I knew that it was time for “out with the old, and in with the new.” I enjoy walking up to my place with a little one asking me to pop his water balloon vs. pulling into my garage and having a next-door neighbor barely look at me. We were a bit desperate to move for various reasons, but for the most part, we were seeking a fun environment and a new peace of mind.

And that is exactly what I gain when I incorporate new accessories, shoes, and blouses into my existing wardrobe-a new peace of mind. Since we moved, I have been on a shopping (but affordable!) craze. Now, with a big backyard/back porch and a renovated apartment, including clean walls, beautiful carpet, and wooden kitchen floors, I am in love with the newness. I also feel this same warm fuzzy feeling inside when I tie my new scarves around my neck or strap on my black Betsey Johnson wedged heels. Fresh! Fun! Fabulous!

So what did I do with a lot of old clothes that have just been sitting in bags in my closet? Well, both Steve and I packed my car full of old, and still fashionable, clothes; we headed to the Goodwill, and dropped them all off without a second thought. Yes, my white college graduation skirt was in that bag, and the cute fur shrug I used to wear during my days at Nordstrom was in that bag. But I was OK with that. Not having touched either of those pieces for at least four years, I was more than happy to make them available for those less fortunate who are seeking some cute finds. Doing a good deed (or a “mitzvah” as my mother enjoys saying) matched my newfound peace of mind perfectly.

This time around, cleaning out my closet took less thought and debate, as I am more aware of what my needs are and how quantity doesn’t mean anything. It’s HOW you wear something and what you wear it with. That said, I am perfectly fine keeping my AG jeans, Nomad Tribe jeans, and pointed-flat Michelle K boots, because with new, flattering pieces to wear with each, I have been able to transform a bunch of old pieces into new personalities.

Reinvigorating my wardrobe has also aroused clarity regarding my shopping senses. Cut up are the credit cards, and out comes the checkbook. It’s the new Elana. Nice to meet you.

Visit http://www.diaryofapersonalshopper.blogspot.com andwww.myspace.com/talkingchic.

Dear Adina

Your 21st Century Dear Abby

I am a 35-year-old woman. I have a friend who talked me into making a sizable “no-risk” investment to have a business service done—so he said. Well, I gave him a few thousand dollars upon his strong urging. Bottom line, I lost all my money, and at first, he said he could refund my money. So I waited patiently. Finally, I started reminding him little by little to get my money back and he said he was working on it. Needless to say, he has never repaid me. It has been over two years now, and I am very angry about it. I feel like I was duped! He acts like nothing happened, but I cannot forget that I threw away a lot of money (that I could use right now in fact) every time I speak to him. I am afraid that if he doesn’t make an effort to refund my money soon, I can no longer be his friend. Oddly, I feel like I was betrayed, even though he claims that it was not his fault. It’s just that he promised me that I would get my money back, or the service for which I paid would be done. Neither has happened.

Adina, I really need your advice. How do I continue to be this person’s friend feeling the way I do? Or is the friendship doomed?

Stupidly Duped,
Linda

—Adina’s Response—

Dear Duped,
I’m sorry to say, but you are just going to have to let go of the money. You made an investment and it didn’t pay off. I know it’s hard to accept that the money is gone, and it is even more painful when you think about all the fabulous shoes you could have bought with that money. But the bottom line is that you took a risk and made an investment; the money that you gave your friend was not a loan. You mention that your friend “strongly urged” you to make the investment, but ultimately it was your choice. Now, you just have to come to terms with the consequences of your choice. I know this doesn’t make losing the money any easier, but trust me—there is a lesson in all of this. They say that mixing friendship and money is a recipe for trouble, but there are a few other ingredients in that recipe if I recall. I think it involves a cup of accepting responsibility for your actions, a teaspoon of not blaming others, and just a pinch of learning from your mistakes.

After letting all of this bake in your mind, you can then ask yourself if you still want to be friends with the bad investor. This is a decision only you can make.

Head Chef with many recipes up my sleeve,
Adina

The Beauty Agenda

Flaunting Fabulously

A New Column by Patricia Lee

Why not let holiday shopping be the only reason for the winter woes? Battle brassy, blah hair and bothersome, badly timed blemishes, perfect your pout, and flaunt fabulous fingers and toes to sparkle and shine during the holidays.

Q: My highlighted hair seems to be turning brassy and orange after a few weeks, and the color doesn’t seem as bright and fresh. Is there anything I can do about it?

A: A self-professed highlight junkie, I can completely relate to your situation. Highlights offer tremendous transformational effects on one’s hair and look. Scores of individuals love and swear by them. Giving drab hair an extra oomph, accentuating curly hair or a great layered cut, and drawing attention to and brightening up one’s face prove to be just a few benefits of highlights. Often timely and pricey at many salons, it’s understandable that you would want to maintain that “just out of the salon” look. However, highlighted hair remains more delicate than untreated, uncolored, untouched hair and requires special care.

To boost the brilliance of blasé, brassy hair, try a chelating shampoo, such as Joico’s Resolve Chelating Shampoo, which removes dulling product buildup and mineral deposits. After wetting hair, work the luster-boosting liquid into your hair, allowing it to penetrate and work its magic for about five minutes. After rinsing out the shampoo, apply a bit of conditioner to the bottom half of your hair to drench dehydrated ends. If you live in areas like Los Angeles, which harbor higher mineral deposits in the water, liven up lifeless hair and counter copper tones by using a chelating shampoo once a week.

Ultimately, infrequent washings prove most prudent in maintaining multi-colored hair. Containing harsh chemicals to remove gunk and grease, shampoos simultaneously strip color as they clean. In between washes, pulling hair into a pretty ponytail or creating a cute, messy up-do refreshes the repetitive and routine. If one’s hair desperately needs a wash due to excessive oil, select a dry shampoo, such as Klorane Extra Gentle Dry Shampoo with Oat Extract (in a convenient aerosol can) or Bumble & Bumble’s Hair Powder, working in the oil-obliterating product really well. And with that, I bid you happy highlighting.

Q: I have an important event to attend in a couple of days and need to hide a red, irritated blemish I’ve popped. Please help!

A: Breakouts seem to cruelly crop up at the most inopportune times. First, calm down and keep your frisky fingers from further fiddling with your face. Sebum-inducing stress and constant contact can contribute to far more flare-ups. To boost your immune system, you may wish to go the holistic route, taking vitamins such as chelated zinc. For information on vitamin supplements, contact your pharmacist or doctor for dosage and supplement information.

Irritated and inflamed, the rupture may still be red. To cut back crimson tones, you can try to drip a few drops of Clear Eyes or Visine onto the area, allowing the potion to penetrate the skin. Most often within minutes, you’ll notice reduced redness in the area. After applying makeup, dab a dot of green-toned concealer on the blemish, gently blending the red-nixing neutralizer; do away with weird, whitish-looking skin by avoiding over application. Dipping a decent amount of loose powder onto a triangular makeup sponge, completely cover the area, allowing it to sit and settle onto the skin. Follow up with the finale: dust your entire face with loose powder, a bit of bronzer and blush, and you’ve successfully squelched the sightly spot.

Attachment and the Next Level: When Casual Dating Hits an Emotional Roadblock, How Do We Know When to Take It to the Next Level and When to Call It Quits?

Simply Single

Attachment and the Next Level:
When Casual Dating Hits an Emotional Roadblock, How Do We Know When to Take It to the Next Level and When to Call It Quits?

“I’m trying to find something wrong with him, but I just can’t find anything!” Amy emphatically exhaled. I kept silent, wondering if that was a sigh of relief because he seemed to be a genuinely nice guy, or of exasperation because she failed to find a flaw to decrease or deaden her growing feelings for him. “It’s only been three months,” Carrie reminded her. “You both are still in the honeymoon period. Give it some time before stressing out.” Ah, the honeymoon period. Almost always, new relationships experience a honeymoon period. Lasting for days, months, or years, it’s the initial courting period, during which everything seems and feels perfect in a relationship. The apple of one’s eye proves flawless in every way. Engaging conversations, delightful dates, great chemistry, amazing sex, displays of thoughtfulness, and everything else in between create a stress-free, drama-free rapport, as courters dish out 110% of effort to win over their crush. A highly impressionable period, its magic can win over crushes and even blur reality, mentally crippling some and making them unable to leave a bad or mediocre relationship.

Factoring time into the equation, once easygoing relationships can turn complex as emotions grow, feelings develop, and superficial layers are shed. Time exposes the true colors of most individuals, initially on their best behavior to impress their crush, as comfort and indolence set in and regression takes place. Time can also cause a person to grow on you, become more attractive, invade your mind more frequently, and so on. Many form some type of bond with the object of their affection, whether this bond is actual or imagined, mutual or one-sided. Most often, time leads to emotional attachment, as individuals begin adding emotional value to the new person in their life. During this time, daters concurrently enter the realm of cerebral thinking, creating mental, subjective pro-con lists about their date(s) and shaping their feelings. Perceptions of reality, desires, dislikes, and personal intentions influence one’s actions, interactions, and reactions towards his/her sweetheart, setting the stage for relationships ranging from fling, friend, and foe to fiancé, fluke, and plain frustrating.

Generally, as one or both parties develop feelings, a relationship eventually reaches a standstill, and one faces a juncture. Does one take it to the “next level,” leave it as is for as long as possible, end it, or let it fade? With at least two players to each game, individual feelings, wants, and expectations affect the path a relationship takes. Let’s say after three months, you and your current beau approach this fork in the road. If you’re both simply mad about each other, you effortlessly breeze into the next level. If both of you don’t care to take it anywhere, you effortlessly cut ties. If you don’t care for him much, feel he’s a waste of time, screen calls to avoid him, suffer from repulsion or annoyance by the sheer thought of him, and the like, you know the demise of this little romance draws near. Sound easy, right? Complexity enters the scene when you think your beau’s fantastic and want to take it to the next level, but his emotional murkiness leaves you unsure about where the two of you stand. In such instances, how does one know if and when a relationship could and should be taken to the next level? How does one know when to cut one’s losses and leave?

As with sampling new cuisine, dating usually takes time, practice, and experience in order to develop a better idea of what one likes, dislikes, wants, doesn’t want, and deserves. For instance, as a teenager I viewed sushi as trendy and disgusting, and as a result, my premature opinion negatively influenced my sushi experiences and prevented me from enjoying or giving it a fair chance. Years later, my view changed––I love sushi! Frequenting different sushi joints throughout the years, I eventually learned to distinguish between good and bad sushi, fresh and old sashimi, and worthwhile and rip-off establishments. Without much dining experience, I would probably call a sushi restaurant great, simply because of its great ambiance, trendiness, or great reviews. Instead of having knowledge and a personal preference of what I considered excellent, I’d fall prey to influence. Similarly, experience in dating usually can help many develop a list of preferences and a set of standards. Along with some experiences come heartaches. However, as wretched and hurtful as they may momentarily feel, heartbreaks and bad experiences can toughen one’s hide, helping one to realize that life isn’t over if or when one’s crush turns out to be nothing short of an inconsiderate idiot, providing the strength to leave a hopeless, negative situation. With a tougher hide, one often becomes more discriminating and less tolerant of the dallying and emotional manipulating kind, as expectations and feelings of self-worth increase. Admittedly, some with little or no dating experience can find their perfect someone and live happily ever after, but these instances seem to be quite anomalous.

The Law of Uncertainty

Sisyphus thought he would cheat death and squeal on Zeus when he committed adultery. He was doomed to spend an eternity in the Underworld pushing a boulder up a hill only to roll back down just before it reaches the top.

Tantalus tried to trick the gods by offering up his son Pelops as a main course. The gods were not fooled and Tantalus was punished by being placed in an underworld pool with food and drink placed just out of his reach. He would remain forever hungry and thirsty.

Sometimes I have found myself in patterns that are active demonstrations of the private hells of both Sisyphus and Tantalus, and I’ve wondered how I can break the cycle.

I have many jobs in life, but like many who long to spend their days doing what they love, I have to spend a fair amount of time earning a living at what may seem to some very unfulfilling work. I am a salesperson. I set appointments at least 8 hours a day, and when I get off at 5 p.m., I go to school to engage in what truly fulfills me, or at least this is what I thought until a few days ago.

I realized the repetitive task of meeting a quota day in and day out in itself can be my own personal meditation, as is making a long journey alone, I can find solitude and therefore, peace in the task itself.

What made me reach this point? I had an altercation with a fellow employee and suffered much angst for several days. I was breaking the pattern by asserting my voice. By asserting my voice I had to accept the battle that resulted.

I do not like confrontation; in fact, I avoid it. I had to take a long, hard look at what I was doing, and to my surprise, I discovered that I enjoy what I do.

I discovered what is inevitable about my job is that I will change, no matter how hard I resist. So I am thankful for the small volcanoes that erupt in the sea of repetition.

I understand that certain events are inevitable, and this brings me tranquility. I am a part of a cycle of change even when I am performing a mundane task.

What is mundane about my job is the constant dialing. I find the constant decline very mundane. When I become observant and aware even in the mundane, I find opportunity; and in this opportunity I find growth. I have become an investigator of sorts. I have discovered the minute detail in the repetitive pattern of the leaf. One leaf is very much like any other leaf, and one person telling me “no” is very much like another person telling me “no.” However, if you look very closely at two leaves that are side by side, you will see subtle differences. This demonstrates that each leaf is unique. I have discovered that each encounter, even though the outcome is no, is unique. In that discovery I have found personal fulfillment.

I remember driving home one day from a hard day at work. I was challenged just to work 8 hours. Up until then I was unaware that I had changed to accept the conditions of my work. I was simply putting my time in.

I drove with the music turned off and found my mind wandering as it does here and there. I happened on a moment of joy at work when I was engaging in the verbal exercise of overcoming an objection. I discovered I was more excited by the act than the outcome. At that moment I had to admit that I enjoy my work.

What I have gained by rolling that boulder up the hill or reaching for that pear just out of reach is strength and the ability to cope in the face of uncertainty.

Will I make quota? Will I be able to overcome the objection? Will my client be satisfied with my efforts? This represents change. I am not performing the mundane; I am taking part in the sales cycle, a dynamic process.

I have felt that I am walking along a cloud and the only thing keeping me afloat is the belief that I am on solid ground. This very attitude lends me some stability in a life that is often fraught with uncertainty, and that is what keeps me going.

The Power of Denim: A Love/Hate Relationship

. . . . So I’ve been struggling with this column for some time now because here’s my thinking: the jean craze ain’t goin’ nowhere. And for those wanting in with at least one pair of rocking bottoms to actually sport in public, sitting tall at a Smashbox fashion show, or to wear during fun Fridays at work, please—let’s hold hands, unite as one, and say together: “Jeans are not our enemies.”

The power of denim has not only become a popular trend among the fashion-conscious, but a ridiculously expensive OBSESSION that makes many of us put extra hours in just to afford something fabulous. So in trying to tackle an article about hunting for “the perfect jean,” my focus has become scrambled because not only is there no such thing, but in the past five years or so, since its explosion on American culture, finding the best pair of jeans for your body type is nearly impossible. Wait, I take that back; it’s possible. Just don’t expect to walk into a boutique and expect to be whisked away by your size hanging freely on the rack, hemmed to your height, and when doing squats in the fitting room, you’re able to bend over with nothing hanging out (good luck with that one). So in honor of my editor’s own frustration with the limited selection available for women who have sexy hips, a little bit of junk in the trunk, and who don’t aspire to a size 2, I’m going to attempt to offer ways toward simplifying the hunt for a flattering jean—and hopefully keep you from slashing your wrists in the process!

I know, new styles pop up everywhere, and yes, it can be overwhelming to narrow choices down. We have studded, distressed, high-waisted, low-waisted, barely-there low-waisted, patchwork, pocketed, no-pocketed, cargo, cropped, skinny, flared, bell bottomed, boot cut…. Need I continue? And believe me, I understand. Sometimes you feel as though you should go shopping with handcuffs on because you want to steal every gorgeous pair that feels like a personal tribute to your personality: “Oh my god, they shouldn’t have!” But also believe me when I say this: looks can be deceiving. If you don’t evaluate your expectations, reasoning, and needs before you hit up Nordstrom, Bloomingdale’s, Just Cavalli, Lucky Jeans, or anywhere you head for favorites, don’t be surprised if you feel like jetting the minute you walk into the fitting room with 20 pairs in tow. And speaking from experience as a former salesgirl, a current shopper, and a shopaholic’s sister, filling up your room with too many to count will do no good because all you’ll feel is frustration, panic, and exhaustion from hanging all the jeans back up (unless of course you’re one of those people who let poor salesgirls drop to their knees to clean up your mess). Sometimes what’s worse than not being able to find a pair that fits is, yes, finding too many that do. But that’s a whole other topic we won’t get into at this time.

So as you decide that this weekend is the weekend to make some headway, or some progress, in learning which designers create styles best for your body, don’t expect to find what you’re looking for the minute you get started because whether you’d love to find the right guy (just thought I’d throw that one in) or an awesome-fitting pair of jeans, perfection doesn’t exist, although, perfect for you most definitely is out there. Just don’t expect an overnight score.

Here are my top tips that have helped make my search for great jeans a (ahem) fun experience:

1) Give a girl a compliment… if you see someone wearing a pair you like. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask her where she scored them. But try doing it in a way that’s not so obvious. Ex: “Those are totally hot! Oh my gosh I just saw those at Planetfunk….” Whether you did or not is definitely not the point; what she’ll probably do is brag to you where they REALLY are from. Then voila! That’s one store you can already jot down as a possibility.

2) Invest in magazine subscriptions…Lucky Magazine is a given. I mean with all those cute “maybe,” “no,” and “yes” sticker, they practically hold your hand along the way. Some of my other favorites include Interview, Nylon, Vibe, and Flaunt. You’ll find tons of diverse-sized, ethnic models wearing hot designs, with listings of prices and brands close by, and possibly even 1-800 numbers that give you a scoot in the right direction.

3) Accept your body…be honest with yourself when it comes to your real size. No one said you have to tell anyone, but when it comes to a jean’s availability, the fabric that is designed for you, and the best cut to show off your curves without making you look “fat,” you must know your measurements. And remember for someone who is bottom-heavy or has recently had children, think stretch, stretch, stretch. A little give will do wonders and make you feel oh-so-comfy!

4) Make salesgirls your best friend… yes they can be annoying at times and all up in your business when you’re not ready to be helped––but they can also bring tears to your eyes being so damn good. A salesgirl can call other stores for your size, hunt in the back of stockrooms, ask another customer if she’s done trying on the size because she has another customer who is eager to try them on as well, personally deliver your package to your home, show you exactly which ones are “butt lifters,” which ones may go on sale soon, and even bring you blouses that will snazzy up those jeans even more. Even amidst your frustration, being friendly goes a long way. Letting her see your dynamic personality will definitely prompt her to keep you in mind when something arrives in your size and style.

And to keep you from giving up, remember: each brand seems to size differently, it’s not a personal attack against your self worth, and no, the gods do not have it in for you! What if you never find a pair that works out for you? Well, then you sport that hot black dress or long skirt you know you look good in! Forget about what is supposed to fit your body, and feel proud of what really does.
Besides, rumor has it they’re on the way out anyway… ssshhhhh.

Written by Elana Pruitt