THE 12 FROGS OF CHRISTMAS 
Men to Avoid if You Want a Happy Holiday
Ahhhh, Christmas – the most glorious time of the year! And it can be the most romantic time of the year, too. Shopping through festively decorated stores, sharing eggnog in front of a crackling fire, sledding and playing in the snow, going to parties with friends and family – all of these can be wonderful if the man you’re dating is a prince. But what if he’s a frog – and kissing him won’t turn him into a prince?
The holidays can be a real bust if you’re with the wrong guy. Better to dump that frog now and spend your Christmas alone. You never know, maybe Santa will surprise you with a handsome Prince on your doorstep! In the meantime, if you want to keep the “merry” in Christmas and the “happy” in New Year’s – here are twelve “frogs” that you’ll want to leap away from during the holidays.
1) Frosty, the Frogman
Maybe he doesn’t actually have ice flowing through his veins – but in the “feelings” department, he’s “below zero.” Sure, the sex is great – but not intimate. You’ve been together for a year and he still hasn’t said “I love you.” There’s even a chill in his Christmas card. He signs it, “Seasons Greetings” or “Best Ribbits.” Don’t waste your holidays and nights trying to thaw him out. Give him the cold shoulder and tell him to skate back to the swamp. It’s Christmas – you deserve to be warm and cozy with someone who’s fired up about you.
2) Scrooge McFrog
He’s fine at Thanksgiving, but the next day when Christmas shopping starts, he turns all “Bah Humbug.” You love going to stores and finding the perfect gifts for family and friends; he thinks its crass commercialism and a waste of time and money. You can’t wait to pick out a tree and decorate it with popcorn and gingerbread men; he says he’d rather have a root canal. You suggest a holiday ski trip; he tells you he hates skiing at Xmas – the slopes are too crowded and the prices are inflated. Then, when a group of friends invites you caroling, he has to stay home and grout his tiles. Finally, on Christmas Eve, he mellows. He takes you on a shopping spree and tells you to pick out anything you want – from the clearance rack – at the 99 cent store. It doesn’t take Three Wise Men to figure out that you’d be One Foolish Girl to tie your hopes and dreams to this package.
3) Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Toad
Stringing tinsel in front of everyone, he’s sweet, caring and affectionate. But his act is phonier than a plastic Christmas tree. When you get home, he drops his holiday cheer and bully frogs you. Then with your folks on Christmas morning, he’s Mr.Wonderful again. He’s all candy canes and kisses as he surprises you with a fabulous Versace dress. Everyone “oohs” and “ahhs” at his loving and generous spirit. But when they leave, out pops Evil Santa again. He says, “It’s a gorgeous dress, but it’s for someone younger… and thinner. I’ll take it back and get you something else.” He takes it back – but the something else never arrives. Talk about an Indian Giver! He’s an Amphibian Giver! You should give him back and find someone else!
4) The Frog of Christmas Past, Present, and Future
This is the guy who’s always there – he’s just never there to say, “I DO.” If it’s your 5th Christmas together, and when you open your gifts, there’s no ring to decorate your finger – it’s time to re-decorate your love life. This man isn’t commitment-phobic – he’s commitment- frogic! Don’t get caught in Christmas Past if you want a Christmas Future. With this frog, Jingle Bells will never turn into Wedding Bells. Tell him to hop on his sleigh and sled back to his lily pad.
5) The Green-Eyed Frogster
Before you even get to the Christmas party, this frog shows his true colors – green and greener. During the holidays, most people experience joy; he only experiences jealousy. You greet him at your door ready to head to a friend’s gathering. Instead of telling you how yummy you look, he rages: “That dress is too tight, too sexy and too revealing.” And you’re wearing a tailored suit! He makes you change three times, then chooses your outfit himself. You feel perfectly ravishing in an ankle-length muu-muu and a fur-covered parka with a hood! Once at the party, he freaks out every time a man passes by. This isn’t flattery; it’s madness. He even sneaks around removing all the mistletoe. And in the powder room when you look in the mirror, guess who’s behind you? He’s not a boyfriend; he’s a bodyguard! Don’t let his hang-ups hang you up at the holidays. Tell him to hail a reindeer and take off for the North Pole.
6) The Really-Nice-Guy-but-Really-Bad Kisser Frog
You’ve been flirting with your water cooler buddy all year. Now, at the office Christmas party, you’re both looking hot and feeling frisky. A little eggnog, a little dancing, a little mistletoe! Together, you go for the big moment and lock lips. Yucch! He slimes you with a huge, slobbery, wet one. You feel like taking a shower and gargling with Drano. It seems like this man’s a better “bud” than beau. Lucky for you – office romances are way too tricky, so consider it a gift from Old St. Nicky!
7) The Eggnog Frog
Rudolph isn’t the only one with a red nose. Beware if your date leaps head first into the eggnog and never comes up. Or if when he surfaces, he stumbles over the nativity scene, crushes the presents and knocks over the tree. Another sign of seasonal sloshing is if he sticks his hand in the Christmas turkey and does a puppet show. Then when you suggest some fresh air, he staggers outside and tinkles his name in the snow. Once back in the house for dessert, he scarfs down the pumpkin pie and tosses his Christmas cookies! All over your boss – so much for this year’s Christmas bonus! Watch out for this overly festive frog – he’ll have eggnog on your dress and egg on your face!
8) Mistletoe or MistleToad!
Wow! This guy is hot and sexy. You’ve been eyeing each other in the elevator for months. Then, at the building’s Christmas party, you meet under the mistletoe. The moment your lips touch, you light up like the tree at Rockefeller Center. Ooh, it’s going to be a very Merry Christmas! And maybe a Happy New Year, too! Hey, Christmas only comes once a year, so why not go back to his place? The only problem? The stockings hung by the mantle aren’t Christmas stockings – they’re his wife’s stockings. Their wedding photo is on the mantle, too. He tells you not to worry; she went to Latvia to visit her folks. She’ll never know if he’s been naughty or nice. Don’t wait for New Year’s to make your resolution – no more sitting under the Christmas tree with anyone who’s a frog!
9) The Uncouth Frog
Okay, so he’s handsome, funny, and smart. But at Christmas with your family, he’s also rude, vulgar and crude. The first sign is when he casually suggests to your sister that she come over to his place for a naked tree-trimming party. And from there it goes downhill. He thinks flossing with tinsel at the dinner table is funny. And your 86-year-old nana doesn’t appreciate his off-color jokes about Mrs. Claus and the elves. Then, when you’re all sharing holiday stories, he tells the one about his uncle who choked and croaked on a fatal fruitcake. Swear to yourself that next year you will not spend Christmas with someone who loudly burps out “Jingle Bells.” Make it a “Silent Night” without him.
10) Gift of the Frogi
Does he actually think you’ve been waiting all year for a set of Ginzu carving knives from the Home Shopping Network? This frog isn’t cheap, he’s just clueless. But no, another year, another vacuum! Next time he gives you a Hoover, there’d better be a diamond bracelet around the handle. But it’s not just in the gift department that he’s romantically challenged. His plans for Christmas Eve are to visit a junkyard to find a carburetor for his ’68 Chevy. He’s sure it’ll be fun for you, too, since he gave you a gift subscription to Car and Driver. If you’re “wrapped up” with a frog like this, for Christmas, you should give him a special gift – a fond farewell.
11) The Frog Who’s a Wolf
The holiday’s here and he’s on the prowl. Whether you’re Christmas shopping or partying, his eyes always stray. As soon as your back is turned, he shamelessly flirts with other women. He even hands out candy canes with his phone number on the wrapper. And what was his Christmas present to his secretary? A thong! Then, at your family’s holiday dinner, he plays Santa and invites your female cousins to sit on his lap – for a lap dance. Don’t be snowed by this horny toad. Check him “off” your Christmas list.
12) Merry EXmas & a Froggy New Year
He’s been divorced for years, but his ex is with you every Christmas – if not in person, in spirit. Her photos are all around the house. He puts their old Christmas cards on the mantle and hangs three stockings – yours, his and hers! Then, he wants you to bake holiday cookies “her” way. And that beautiful engraved bracelet he gave you… has her initials on it! You’re even invited to her parents’ house for Christmas dinner – except he conveniently frogets to tell them that he’s bringing you! Give yourself a present. Get out of this Ménage a Toad. If your Xmas becomes an EXmas – instead of “Ho, ho, ho,” say “No, no, no!”
Final Frognote: If you’re playing leapfrog with any of these men, wake up and smell the swamp water! Remember, whether it’s a holiday or any day, you deserve a prince! Now go out and have yourself a simply marvelous Merry Christmas and a Hoppy, oops, Happy New Year!
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Written by Marilyn Anderson, a television & film writer, and author of NEVER KISS A FROG: A Girl’s Guide to Creatures from the Dating Swamp. Her website is www.neverkissafrog.com.
