Insights
One Thing at a Time
I often take on too many things at once. I believe I am a master juggler when it comes to life, and I try to do it all. I work full time, go to school, take care of my kids. I even try to go on auditions. I just want to be happy, and I haven’t been able to give anything up because I want to do everything.
A couple of years ago I was dead set on learning German. I wanted to speak it fluently. I attempted to take courses until I realized that my brain could only handle one thing at a time and that one thing more would have been too much.
One thing at a time: that is something that I haven’t accepted. I don’t have to be like everyone else. I can do it all. I can learn it all. This has been a year of one defeat after another, and I realize that I have to slow down.
I’ve come home exhausted from working and too tired to study advanced physics of all things. I’ve been too tired to listen to the ones I love tell me about their day, their life, their dreams. And yes, I’m interested, but I’m too exhausted to give.
Now the question is, what should I give up? How do I let go? How can I keep what’s important and keep up this pace? I have to find something to let go.
I have had some really tough obstacles to face lately. My children are grown but are still dependent on me. I am not rich, but I want to do everything for them. I have been running all over the place trying to do everything and doing it badly.
The Taoist believes the only constant is change and even the most repetitive tasks vary if only within narrow limits. To contemplate and investigate the various sequences of change will engender tranquility that arises when loss, decay, and death are recognized as being no less essential to the whole than gain, growth, and life. Investigation permits one to see within certain limits that which will be inevitable.
Where can I find another me to do the other half of what I have no time to do?
Yesterday I ran to the Buddhist temple. I have been longing for a place of refuge where I could find peace. I have been driving myself so hard I’ve needed to take a break because this camel’s back has been about to break.
One last straw is all it took. My son asked me to go across town in one direction when I was headed in another direction. I had to make him find his own way and I wasn’t sure he could because he depends totally on me. At least that is what I thought.
Boy was I wrong! Everyone can find his/her own way without me. Everyone can decide to be independent of me. I can declare my independence and live in my freedom. Nathan found a friend to take him home.
During meditation at the Buddhist temple yesterday, I found my mind wandering a thousand different places. Then I had a moment of clarity when I heard the teacher say the human mind can only process one thing at a time. That caught my attention.
Americans are multi-taskers and jugglers. I am a master juggler, but lately I’ve been dropping the balls all over the ground. It has been very frustrating.
One thing at a time. That is all I can do. What a relief. That is all anyone can do. I don’t have to conquer the world, implement world peace, and solve advanced physics. I can just take it one step at a time. I can smell the roses, sip some tea, burn a candle, and breathe.
That’s how life is, a stepwise equation. We can only go where our feet will carry us, and they can only carry us one step at a time. I can give myself permission to take it slow. I can say no to some things. I can slow down and breathe.
I’m exhausted. At least now I can take a deep breath. I took several deep breaths while my mind was wandering through meditation. That was when I realized that I was taking one breath at a time.
When I was a child, I suffered with asthma. A clean unrestricted breath is as delicious to me as a glass of purified water to a man emerging from the desert. I lost my wandering and found myself enjoying the process of breathing. I felt my lungs expanding while I let the air in and out, in and out, in and out.
As I walked to my car, I was surprised at how good it felt to breathe in slowly and out slowly. As I take my breath, I will contemplate the wisdom of taking things one step at a time.
