Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023) left me utterly underwhelmed, feeling it was desperately in need of some serious editing. Brace yourself for an overdose of self-indulgence. The acting? As bland as unseasoned mashed potatoes. And don’t get me started on the so-called “visually stunning” aspect. Nope, it didn’t even come close. Why, you ask? Well, let me enlighten you. It was a noisy, chaotic mess with unbelievably terrible sound design.

Now, let’s delve into the so-called story and its progression. Ah, yes, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse took the world by storm in 2018, receiving praise from all corners. Naturally, expectations were sky-high for the sequel, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. Did it live up to the hype? Well, not really.

Continuing from where it left off, the film follows our protagonist Miles Morales (voiced by Shameik Moore) as he dons the spidey suit in his neighborhood. But of course, being a superhero comes with its challenges, and surprise, surprise, a familiar threat from Miles’s past resurfaces, jeopardizing the multiverse’s stability. Time to gather the gang, including Gwen Stacy (Hailee Steinfeld) and Peter B Parker (Jake Johnson), for a mission to save the day. Yawn.

Sure, the concept of hopping through different dimensions may sound exciting, but let’s not kid ourselves. The execution was as predictable as Aunt May’s homemade apple pie. The film tries to explore Miles’s struggles with balancing life’s responsibilities, forming connections, and staying connected to loved ones. How relatable! But, honestly, haven’t we seen this all before?

Oh, wait, let’s not forget the revolutionary multiverse concept. It provides “unique perspectives” on Spider-Man’s relationships, right? Gwen Stacy’s personal journey and Peter B Parker’s attempts at adulting. Groundbreaking stuff, really. Just what we needed—more of the same old superhero tropes with a multiverse twist.

And now, the animation. Brace yourself for… wait for it… breathtaking visuals! Well, if by “breathtaking” you mean the same old recycled art styles from the first film, then sure, it’s breathtaking. The sequel takes the innovation to new heights, showcasing a mishmash of styles to portray the multiverse’s worlds. From an Indian metropolis to a dystopian society divided by social classes, it’s a mishmash of chaos and busyness. But hey, at least it’s well-crafted chaos. Bravo!

According to the esteemed Rotten Tomatoes, this movie is the second coming of cinematic brilliance. Don’t you just love those reviewers who never seem to question anything? I’m starting to suspect they’re all in cahoots. So, naturally, I refuse to take another review from that unreliable website seriously. Because, you know, this film clearly didn’t meet my lofty Hollywood standards. It was so amateurish, it should’ve come with a “student film” disclaimer.

Now, let’s talk about the score. The soundtrack is composed well, or so it seems. Electronic music mixed with traditional elements, because why not? But let’s address the elephant in the room—the sheer cacophony of it all. It’s an assault on the senses. Too much noise, too much going on visually and musically, making it impossible to take in everything at once. What were they thinking? Maybe the multiverse’s diversity called for an equally diverse soundtrack. Or maybe they just didn’t bother putting much thought into it. Less would’ve been more, folks. But who am I to question the artistic choices?

But here’s the real kicker—Gen Z loves this movie. Apparently, I’m just too old and out of touch to “get it.” It made a boatload of money on its first day, raking in 125 million. Can someone explain this madness to me? I mean, it’s not like I expected something that could hold a candle to the glorious Saturday morning cartoons of the ’90s. At least I walked away with a voucher to see something better. I personally wouldn’t recommend it, but what do I know? I’m not a product of Gen Z!

So, there you have it. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse gets a solid 2-1/2 stars from me, just for effort, I guess. Am I out of touch? Are my standards too high? Or am I just not cool enough for the ever-evolving tastes of the masses? Who knows? But one thing’s for sure—I won’t be swinging into the theater for the next installment!